One of those nights
Last night was one of those nights.
I don't know if you've ever had one but I do every once in a while. Night's that usually go like this: I get up at some crazy hour (3:36am this particular time) to go to the bathroom (sorry, just wanted to make sure you have all the facts I guess) and, in the process of getting back into bed, I realize that I'm not tired at all.
And then this thought pops into my head: "I wonder if I'm supposed to spend time with God right now." Which I've grown to interpret as: "You should spend time with God right now."
I don't know why the prompt is always a question... like it's an option or something. Well, I guess it is an option. I could go back to sleep and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I do but, when that thought - that "question" - pops into my head, I definitely have a deep conviction in the moment that I should sacrifice sleep and go find out what the Lord wants.
So I go into Brad's old bedroom, where Abilene's rocker is, and sit down.
"Ok, God, why is it that you have me here right now?"
The only Bible I had easy access to was on my iPod and, while convenient, mixing the Bible and technology usually just turns into rabbit trails of checking my email and adding to my to-do list so I knew that wasn't an option. There was, however, a book close to me called "God's Blogs" by Lanny Donoho.
Not sure if you've ever read it but if you haven't, you should. It was written about 7 years ago when blogs had just become really big. It's written as if God had a blog Himself and we were his readers. The way the author portrays how God would write is clear, it's simple, it makes sense. The "blogs" (chapters) are extremely short but every single one of them can make you stop and think... for a long time.
Now, just to clarify, I don't take "God's Blogs" as God's Word. As in, I don't - by any means - put it in the same place as the Bible or consider it Scripture. But the idea behind it is good and the perspective from which the author writes makes you think. It's the "makes you think" part that I like and that always takes me back to God's actual Word anyways.
Back to the middle of the night though. "God's Blogs" was in the room so I picked it up feeling like maybe there would be something in there that would prompt some thoughts. I randomly opened the book up to a "blog" called "Dads." (Also, just to clarify, I'm not big on randomly turning to things and assuming that's always what God "happened to want me to read" but that's just how it played out for some reason last night.)
The "blog" was about how, as parents, there are some things in life we want our children to understand and there are some things in life that really just don't matter that much. For example, having your children grow up truly understanding what it means to be selfless, as compared to say, knowing how to accurately hit a baseball - something I really can't do. Simple concept. Makes sense.
There were many other examples of things parents hope for their children - all of them admirable, all of them important. So then "God," as the writer, reminds his readers that there are some things he wants his kids (us) to understand as well, which really boiled down to us knowing that there is absolutely nothing we can do to make God love us any more and there's absolutely nothing we cannot do to make Him love us any less.
That fact is something I have to constantly be reminded of. I've struggled with my "performance" before God since high school and believing the lie that I can earn God's love has always been my kryptonite.
I could have probably ended the night there. I'm reminded of God's love for me regardless of my track record - a pretty "feel good" time with God in the middle of the night. But that wasn't what God had for me.
It was this sentence (again, written from God's perspective), "I don't love you any less if you are divorced than I would if you had been married for fifty years."
I had to stop after reading that sentence.
I mean, I know that right? I just confessed my head knowledge of knowing that there's nothing I can do or not do to make God love me or make him not love me. I know that.... right?
Well, if I know that, then why did that sentence hit me so hard?
Here's why: it's because my parents are divorced. My parent's divorced when I was 11. And it was the "good" kind of divorce: the one where your dad doesn't leave and your parents still celebrate holidays together to try and create some kind of normalcy for their kids. I mean, as far as divorce goes, I guess it was the best possible situation.
It still hurt though. And it was hard. And it is hard. And I grew up really not understanding, no matter how hard I tried, how "Christian" parents could do something that was clearly defined as wrong in the Bible (barring abuse/adultery).
And I knew why that sentence was so hard to swallow. It was because, in my heart, although I thought I had, I really hadn't forgiven my mom for that.
Geez, thanks for waking me up, God. Totally not into seeing that part of heart in the middle of the night.
...But it's true. And God loves me enough to tell me.
So as I sat and chewed on that sentence, the sentence that clearly shows me I have so much to learn about what unconditional love is (as in love that is given regardless of man's condition), I think of two people.
The first is the prostitute who came and broke her jar of expensive perfume on Jesus (found in Mark 14). She worshiped him with her sacrifice, wept in the presence of such deep grace and mercy and cleaned his feet with her tears. After the other people in the room judged her for her "poor stewardship" of such a costly bottle of perfume, Jesus praised her for her actions and told the people that her beautiful act of worship would be told forever... and it has.
Her history was definitely stained - she was a prostitute. If God made us earn his love, she'd have a long way to go but he doesn't. Jesus loved her, deeply loved her. Even before she came to him and poured the perfume over him, Jesus loved her. My tendency is to believe that her act made Jesus love her more but it didn't. Just like her prostitution didn't make him love her any less. Jesus' unchanging love doesn't, however, take away from the significance of what she did. Her "actions" were extremely significant and Jesus praised her for them. But it didn't increase his love for her. His love was already as big and as deep as it could possibly be. And it was, most likely, her realization of that fact that caused her to bring the perfume to him in the first place.
The second person I thought of was David. The story of David floors me. Here's a man who is considered to be "a man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22)" and yet he committed adultery with a woman and then had her husband murdered to cover up his own wrong acts. Are you kidding me!? How could someone who's done something like that ever be considered "a man after God's own heart"? Well, when you take the person's actions out of the equation, I guess you can... at least God can.
God knew David's heart and did not hold his actions - his mistakes - against him. And they were some pretty significant mistakes, mistakes that didn't go unpunished - the first son born to David out of that relationship died because of it. But God's unconditional love for David surpassed even those sins. God's love for David was that big before David's actions and it was just as big after David's actions.
The good act the "bad" prostitute did and the bad acts the "good" David did never changed God's love barometer for either person. And, as a believer, other people's actions aren't supposed to change mine.
So how come I haven't truly forgiven my mom?
My mother is beautiful. She is wise. She sacrifices herself for others daily. She loves the Lord. She has a deep desire to be changed by Jesus. And she loves from depths I hope my own heart grows to some day.
The reasons for the divorce are neither here nor there. Not anymore. Not if I want to look at people the same way God does. Not if I want to be considered "a woman after God's own heart."
Here's what that sentence from "God's Blogs" really read in my heart: "I don't love your mom any less because she got a divorce than I would love you if you were married to Brad for fifty years."
Wow. That's humbling.
I am called to forgive because Christ forgave me. And I am called to love because Christ loves me.
It's unconditional. Not the kind of unconditional that turns to the side and pretends not to see anything bad. It's the unconditional that sees every, single, horrible detail and loves anyway.
That's what I've been given. That's what I've been called to.
It's was the middle of the night and God called me there to reveal yet another part of my heart that's dark - not to rub in my failures but simply to reveal what still needs to be made clean, not out of spite but out of love. And I definitely wouldn't have seen that corner of my heart if I had gone back to bed.
Last night was one of those nights.
I don't know if you've ever had one but I do every once in a while. Night's that usually go like this: I get up at some crazy hour (3:36am this particular time) to go to the bathroom (sorry, just wanted to make sure you have all the facts I guess) and, in the process of getting back into bed, I realize that I'm not tired at all.
And then this thought pops into my head: "I wonder if I'm supposed to spend time with God right now." Which I've grown to interpret as: "You should spend time with God right now."
I don't know why the prompt is always a question... like it's an option or something. Well, I guess it is an option. I could go back to sleep and I'm ashamed to say that sometimes I do but, when that thought - that "question" - pops into my head, I definitely have a deep conviction in the moment that I should sacrifice sleep and go find out what the Lord wants.
So I go into Brad's old bedroom, where Abilene's rocker is, and sit down.
"Ok, God, why is it that you have me here right now?"
The only Bible I had easy access to was on my iPod and, while convenient, mixing the Bible and technology usually just turns into rabbit trails of checking my email and adding to my to-do list so I knew that wasn't an option. There was, however, a book close to me called "God's Blogs" by Lanny Donoho.
Not sure if you've ever read it but if you haven't, you should. It was written about 7 years ago when blogs had just become really big. It's written as if God had a blog Himself and we were his readers. The way the author portrays how God would write is clear, it's simple, it makes sense. The "blogs" (chapters) are extremely short but every single one of them can make you stop and think... for a long time.
Now, just to clarify, I don't take "God's Blogs" as God's Word. As in, I don't - by any means - put it in the same place as the Bible or consider it Scripture. But the idea behind it is good and the perspective from which the author writes makes you think. It's the "makes you think" part that I like and that always takes me back to God's actual Word anyways.
Back to the middle of the night though. "God's Blogs" was in the room so I picked it up feeling like maybe there would be something in there that would prompt some thoughts. I randomly opened the book up to a "blog" called "Dads." (Also, just to clarify, I'm not big on randomly turning to things and assuming that's always what God "happened to want me to read" but that's just how it played out for some reason last night.)
The "blog" was about how, as parents, there are some things in life we want our children to understand and there are some things in life that really just don't matter that much. For example, having your children grow up truly understanding what it means to be selfless, as compared to say, knowing how to accurately hit a baseball - something I really can't do. Simple concept. Makes sense.
There were many other examples of things parents hope for their children - all of them admirable, all of them important. So then "God," as the writer, reminds his readers that there are some things he wants his kids (us) to understand as well, which really boiled down to us knowing that there is absolutely nothing we can do to make God love us any more and there's absolutely nothing we cannot do to make Him love us any less.
That fact is something I have to constantly be reminded of. I've struggled with my "performance" before God since high school and believing the lie that I can earn God's love has always been my kryptonite.
I could have probably ended the night there. I'm reminded of God's love for me regardless of my track record - a pretty "feel good" time with God in the middle of the night. But that wasn't what God had for me.
It was this sentence (again, written from God's perspective), "I don't love you any less if you are divorced than I would if you had been married for fifty years."
I had to stop after reading that sentence.
I mean, I know that right? I just confessed my head knowledge of knowing that there's nothing I can do or not do to make God love me or make him not love me. I know that.... right?
Well, if I know that, then why did that sentence hit me so hard?
Here's why: it's because my parents are divorced. My parent's divorced when I was 11. And it was the "good" kind of divorce: the one where your dad doesn't leave and your parents still celebrate holidays together to try and create some kind of normalcy for their kids. I mean, as far as divorce goes, I guess it was the best possible situation.
It still hurt though. And it was hard. And it is hard. And I grew up really not understanding, no matter how hard I tried, how "Christian" parents could do something that was clearly defined as wrong in the Bible (barring abuse/adultery).
And I knew why that sentence was so hard to swallow. It was because, in my heart, although I thought I had, I really hadn't forgiven my mom for that.
Geez, thanks for waking me up, God. Totally not into seeing that part of heart in the middle of the night.
...But it's true. And God loves me enough to tell me.
So as I sat and chewed on that sentence, the sentence that clearly shows me I have so much to learn about what unconditional love is (as in love that is given regardless of man's condition), I think of two people.
The first is the prostitute who came and broke her jar of expensive perfume on Jesus (found in Mark 14). She worshiped him with her sacrifice, wept in the presence of such deep grace and mercy and cleaned his feet with her tears. After the other people in the room judged her for her "poor stewardship" of such a costly bottle of perfume, Jesus praised her for her actions and told the people that her beautiful act of worship would be told forever... and it has.
Her history was definitely stained - she was a prostitute. If God made us earn his love, she'd have a long way to go but he doesn't. Jesus loved her, deeply loved her. Even before she came to him and poured the perfume over him, Jesus loved her. My tendency is to believe that her act made Jesus love her more but it didn't. Just like her prostitution didn't make him love her any less. Jesus' unchanging love doesn't, however, take away from the significance of what she did. Her "actions" were extremely significant and Jesus praised her for them. But it didn't increase his love for her. His love was already as big and as deep as it could possibly be. And it was, most likely, her realization of that fact that caused her to bring the perfume to him in the first place.
The second person I thought of was David. The story of David floors me. Here's a man who is considered to be "a man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22)" and yet he committed adultery with a woman and then had her husband murdered to cover up his own wrong acts. Are you kidding me!? How could someone who's done something like that ever be considered "a man after God's own heart"? Well, when you take the person's actions out of the equation, I guess you can... at least God can.
God knew David's heart and did not hold his actions - his mistakes - against him. And they were some pretty significant mistakes, mistakes that didn't go unpunished - the first son born to David out of that relationship died because of it. But God's unconditional love for David surpassed even those sins. God's love for David was that big before David's actions and it was just as big after David's actions.
The good act the "bad" prostitute did and the bad acts the "good" David did never changed God's love barometer for either person. And, as a believer, other people's actions aren't supposed to change mine.
So how come I haven't truly forgiven my mom?
My mother is beautiful. She is wise. She sacrifices herself for others daily. She loves the Lord. She has a deep desire to be changed by Jesus. And she loves from depths I hope my own heart grows to some day.
The reasons for the divorce are neither here nor there. Not anymore. Not if I want to look at people the same way God does. Not if I want to be considered "a woman after God's own heart."
Here's what that sentence from "God's Blogs" really read in my heart: "I don't love your mom any less because she got a divorce than I would love you if you were married to Brad for fifty years."
Wow. That's humbling.
I am called to forgive because Christ forgave me. And I am called to love because Christ loves me.
It's unconditional. Not the kind of unconditional that turns to the side and pretends not to see anything bad. It's the unconditional that sees every, single, horrible detail and loves anyway.
That's what I've been given. That's what I've been called to.
It's was the middle of the night and God called me there to reveal yet another part of my heart that's dark - not to rub in my failures but simply to reveal what still needs to be made clean, not out of spite but out of love. And I definitely wouldn't have seen that corner of my heart if I had gone back to bed.
Last night was one of those nights.
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