THE INEVITABLE TRAUMA OF GOING TO GET BENJAMIN & DECIDING TO TRAVEL AS A FAMILY

The week we leave for China is finally here!

Trying to pack 5 people's worth of stuff for two different climates and over half a month's worth of travel in four suitcases limited to 44lbs a piece is (rather embarrassingly) one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Bringing Abi and Andrew with us to China wasn't our original plan. 

In the beginning, the thought of bringing them sounded:

1) expensive
2) petrifying

And so we logically planned our trip accordingly.

However, in late November, we began rethinking our decision.

The more we began to process the significance of the trip for each part of our family - Brad and I, Abi and Andrew, and Benjamin - the more we questioned whether it was the best decision to go without our biological kids.

The only 'family' Benjamin knows is one consisting of multiple caregivers and multiple 'siblings' who rotate in and out during a 24 hour period and from season to season depending on who is adopted and who is new to the orphanage.  He has no concept of what a typical family looks like and therefore also has no concept of being in need of that. 

The day we meet him is the day we will effectively tear him away from every security and norm he has ever known.  Never again will he sleep in the same crib.  Never again will he be picked up by those who have cared for him for the last 2 1/2 years.  Never again will he play with the children who have been by his side up until this point.  Never again will he eat the same food, smell the same smells, hear the same sounds, or see the same faces.  Even if we visit China again, the circumstances will be completely different.  He may not have been prepared for this moment by his caretakers and, even if he has, he will likely not be able to truly comprehend it anyway.

I cannot imagine how terrifying that moment (and subsequent days, weeks, months, maybe longer) will be for him.

It breaks my heart knowing that I will be inflicting trauma, albeit for 'good', when we meet him.

There will be much for him to grieve and much for him to learn... and all at the age of 2 1/2.

I know that the end of the story is good:  Benjamin will have a forever family.  And I know that not adopting in order to 'save' him from the trauma of disrupting his current life is not the answer. 

In the long run, all of this will have been worth it but in the short run, my stomach is tied in knots and I've never had so many mixed emotions in my life.

As we have processed these things, we changed our minds about bringing Abi and Andrew with us to China.

Not only will bringing Abi and Andrew allow them to experience first-hand Benjamin entering into our lives and experience his culture but we're hoping that having them with us will help Benjamin transition into our family with more ease.

We're hoping that Benjamin will be able to watch us interact with Abi and Andrew and vice-versa and that he will be able to see that we're safe, see that we're loving, and see that we can provide for his needs because he can watch us doing that with Abi and Andrew.

We're hoping that Benjamin will be able to let some of his guards down faster when there are two people in the room who are closer to his size, who love to play, and who love to laugh.

We're hoping that Brad and I - two random, oddly tall, strange speaking, strange smelling, weird haired, white people, will seem slightly less scary to Benjamin if our means of communication to him include having two smaller people - albeit still strange speaking, strange smelling, weird haired, white people - around.  Because there are some walls that can be more easily and/or quickly torn down by children than adults.

This trip will effectively change Brad and I's life forever.  And our thoughts of not including Abi and Andrew in that were, honestly, fear and money driven.  And neither of those were good reasons for us stake that decision on.

In fact, the beginning of us thinking about adoption itself started out very much the same way - filled with doubt fueled by fear and money.  And God blew both of those out of the water, as He is prone to do.

There is a lot of unknown ahead, there is a lot of fear ahead, there is a lot of excitement ahead, there is a lot of a lot ahead, and I can't predict how it will all play out.

But I know that we will be different after this trip is over and I am so thankful that Abi and Andrew will be with us to experience this life change too. 

More details about the trip and what life will look like after we get back home very soon 😁
Brooke 


Note: The above is the decision we came to that seemed best for our family and our situation.  Obviously, taking children on an overseas adoption trip might not be the best course of action for all families and we are behind those families 100% no matter which decision they make. 👍